The Root: 10 Types of Black Guys Every Woman Has Dated
Earlier this week the Washington Post published a list of “The 10 D.C. Guys We’ve All Dated.” It included “the chill Republican dude” who wears shirts with whales on them, “the organic kale guy” who makes homemade quiche and “the Clarendon guy” who downs shots of Fireball and never misses brunch.
While I’m sure there are chill black Republicans with whale shirts, black guys who enjoy organic greens and those who never miss Sunday brunch, the list read as if it were made for a certain population — namely the yuppie 20- and 30-something transplants who have taken over the city — and some black readers just didn’t get it or weren’t feeling it.
“What a biased list,” wrote one commenter, who created her own (hilarious) list of black “types” one may encounter in the nation’s capital. “It’s sad stories like this [that] overlook the people who have been living in this city for generations. HELLO! We are still here and we read the paper too.”
Well, we at The Root heard you loud and clear, and we’ve created our own, more inclusive list of “The 10 Guys Black Women From Anywhere May Actually Have Dated” — hopefully only briefly.
1. The God
At 35 he has two degrees, a six-figure income, no kids and a mortgage. And yes, he’s straight. On paper, he sounds ideal. How is he single? Because in person he’s a nightmare. He’s convinced himself that his presence is a present, and he reminds you of that (and his “accomplishments”) at every opportunity.
2. The ‘Single’ Husband
Of course you didn’t know he was married, or you never would have given him your number. But he conveniently left out that tidbit of info when he approached at happy hour.
You’re on the phone with him one late evening and hear a woman’s voice in the background. “Who’s that?” you ask.
“Oh, that’s just my wife,” he says casually, as if he’s explaining that the dog was barking. “Is that a problem for you?” he inquires.
You don’t understand what type of relationship he and his wife have, but the point is they have one, and you are out. Click.
3. The Conspiracy TheoristEverything boils down to someone trying to keep a brother, well, down. A fictitious TV heroine dating a white guy? The white man devaluing black love. He gets cut off in traffic? The white man trying to make him late for work. Valentine’s Day? Another way the white man gets the black man to spend money to keep a brother broke.
4. The Brother Who Doesn’t Really Like Black People
- If you published the transcript to any of his rants on what’s wrong with black people, it would read like the minutes from a KKK meeting. According to him, the sum of black culture is baby daddies, piss-poor morality, consumerism and fried chicken. In defense of black people you mention jazz music, red-velvet cake and Jesus, who had hair like lamb’s wool. You remind this brother that he is actually black. He promptly lists all his nonblack ancestors to distance himself from the race.
5. The Drunk
He doesn’t think he has a drinking problem because he consumes top-shelf booze from a crystal tumbler. This is supposed to separate him from the college student drinking mystery punch from a red cup. But it doesn’t matter how or what he drinks if he gets frat-boy wasted all the same. With a few pours in his system, this otherwise mild-mannered and emotionally conservative man is prone to instigating a fight at the club or doing his best Drake impression from “Marvin’s Room”. Of course, he remembers none of it the next day.
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