AskFM UPDATE: The Complete Gala Girl Saga

Screen Shot 2014-01-03 at 4.42.22 PMEarlier this week, a woman wrote into Ask. FM with this:

“I had huge fight with my boyfriend over the phone and told him I wouldn’t go to his annual work gala that night. After I said it, I regretted it and felt bad so I made steps to make things right. I got dressed for the event and finally went to his place. I get there, and his female friend, who always smiles and chats with me like she is my friend, is with him all dolled up. I tell him, ‘I’m sorry, and I’m ready to go.’ He says he would rather take her since she is reliable. She didn’t even offer to stay.

“This is his big work gala. Why take just any woman? It means something. Pictures of the event are on social media. My man is posing with some lady for the world to see. I am humiliated and mad at both of them. What should I do?”

My answer (read the full version here):

You got what you deserved. You acted like a brat by pulling out of an event at the last minute because you were mad, and you wanted to ruin your boyfriend’s night. You knew what a big deal this event was and that people who matter to you would see those pictures, and yet you canceled anyway. Your concern about how important the event is feels hollow after you discarded it like it was nothing to you.

Pulling out of an event on the day of is bad enough. It’s worse that it was a work event. One of the core rules for operating in a healthy relationship is “do not embarrass your partner on the job,” which you attempted to do. That’s a big violation.

I’m not surprised he chose to go with her. When you changed your mind, you didn’t even call him to apologize and discuss. You assumed that he would be at the house in a panic, and you expected to whisk in and save the day after you’d attempted to ruin it. You were caught off-guard when you discovered he had made other plans that showed you were replaceable.

You created a bad situation, and he made the best possible moves under the circumstances.

 

Some readers thought I was hard on the woman we quickly named “gala girl”.

One commented, “For all we know she had a really legit reason to be pissed and bail but has such a good heart and decided at the last minute she would forgive and go. It’s too unclear.”

Other readers wren’t buying that theory. They thought that if she had a legit reason to pull out, she would have said so.

A few more folks raised their eyebrows about the swiftness in which the girlfriend was replaced. “Her boyfriend just happened to have someone ready to go that fast?” one reader asked. “What a coincidence.” You could practiclaly hear the ‘hmmmm” after her statement.

I figured we’d never really know what happened… until the “female friend” in the story wrote in to give her side of the story:

“Small world. A friend sent me your IG link… Dude is a good friend to my man and I. He has a new job this year and works ridiculous hours to impress, hence the fights. He was stressed about the gala because his big boss would be there. When his GF cancelled, he told my man and I that he was ready to hire an escort.

I offered to go with him and my man said “okay” as long as I made it up to him :-) All in good spirits.

I know my friend’s girl. We double date sometimes. I didn’t offer to stay when she showed up becase her man carried furniture for me when I moved and picked me up from the airport at 2 AM. He also introduced me to my wonderful man. I was only going to help him out. I feel her though.

Sounds like the friend is really a friend, especially the way she mentioned her man over and over and over(LOL) to make it clear there was nothing inappropriate going on. That the female friend was in a relationship was a detail I wished the gilfriend would have mentioned  And it sounds like ol’ boy was more stressed for a date more than anyone could have guessed. An escort?! The female bestie was definitely a better option than that.

So the story is done now, right? Not quite.

 

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